Support Through Hard Choices

Mom was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at the beginning of 2016, although we saw evidence of dementia earlier than that. My Dad, her husband of 57 years at the time, took on the responsibility of caring for her. Even though I was living in San Francisco at the time, I saw the toll that caring for Mom had on Dad. I had lived away for 25 years, and in mid-2017, I chose to return to NC to help Dad care for Mom. Within a year, Dad was diagnosed with terminal blood cancer, and he passed away months later.  As he realized the end was near, he asked that I care for Mom. My stomach sank. My Mom and I had never had an easy relationship. And I couldn’t deny my Dad’s wishes. My grief therapist suggested I reach out to MemoryCare, and that was one of those decisions I look back upon as a pivotal point in my life.

Every person I encountered at MemoryCare was compassionate and didn’t judge me when I cried or was frustrated with Mom’s behavior or frustrated with the lack of support from my siblings. They recommended resources (if you are supporting someone with dementia, please read The 36 Hour Day) and shared concrete ways that I could care for myself, and ways I could interact with Mom. They gave me practical tips on how to speak with Mom (don’t argue, it’s okay to support an alternate reality) and suggested activities we could do together (walk as much as possible; silence is okay). Throughout the five years that I supported Mom as her primary caregiver, they helped me reframe my perspective to focus on all the things she could continue to do, and to be grateful for those. They named the frustrations I was feeling, and gave me permission to be angry, and then let that anger go. When I was feeling at the end of my rope, I would email my frustrations to my care team, and to my amazement a response would come within a day, empathizing with what I was going through, and sharing suggestions of what I could try next or resources available to me. When I could no longer care for Mom at home, they supported me in finding an appropriate care facility for her.

Mom entered hospice care in October 2023. One of the hardest choices I had to make was giving up our regular visits to MemoryCare. Even though we weren’t clients of MemoryCare anymore, our care team checked in regularly to see how I was doing, and to remind me to take care of myself.

Mom passed away in January 2024. I’m so grateful for the support I received from MemoryCare. Their support allowed me to treasure the last five years I had with Mom, and when I remember her, I remember the beautiful individual that MemoryCare helped me see.

— Lori McLeese, Caregiver